Dear Ferret
by chasingafterstarlight
Summary: Have I mentioned that I hate you? I hate you because I have feelings for you but I would never act on them because you would only play me too. /RoseScorpius. Letter!fic.


**Dear Ferret**

_**Rose/Scorpius**_

Dear Rose,

Have I mentioned that my passion for you burns with the heat of a thousand hot suns?

Love,

_Scorpius_

.

Scorpius _Hyperion_,

Have I mentioned that I hate you?

Hate,

_Rose_

P.S. Yes, I know your middle name, and yes, it's horrid.

.

Dear Rose _Nymphadora_,

Yes, you have, but I've chosen to ignore that. Our love can withstand anything you choose to throw at me.

Love always,

_Scorpius_

P.S. I wouldn't be going on about your middle name is just as bad.

.

Scorpius the _Player_,

Our love? Would that be the love between you and the mouse in your pocket? Because I see no one else with a brain small enough to fall for you.

Stop owling me,

_Rose_

P.S. My middle name is after a dead war hero. Yours is after some Titan god. I think I'm the clear victor here.

.

Dear the ever lovely Rose,

I know you love me. You might as well just stop denying it. One day, you'll get married to _me_ and be the fire to my ice or something like that. You're beautiful and I'm sexy so somehow we just fit like that.

Not going to happen,

_Scorpius_

P.S. Your namesake went by Tonks for a reason. Also, my middle name is after a Titan god? Is that some nonsense Muggle thing?

P.P.S. Also, I'm not a player.

.

_Scorpion_,

I hate you. I hate you and that will never change.

I hate you because whenever I look at you, my stomach gets butterflies and my face goes red. I hate you because you're so hard to hate. I hate you because you played my cousins, _all_ of them, and therefore I can't trust you at all.

I hate you because I might have feelings for you but there's no way in _heck_ I would act on them cause you'd only break me too, wouldn't you?

I hate you because my brother and cousin are reading this over my shoulder and they'll probably be at your house to curse or hex or harm you bodily soon, so I'd be on the lookout.

You brought this on yourself,

_Rose_

P.S. You're an idiot, Scorpius Malfoy, and I meant that with every inch of my being.

P.P.S. Yeah, right.

.

_Malfoy_,

We'll be at your house shortly.

Top at the day to you,

_James who is way sexier than you and Hugo who is awesome._

.

Mate,

You really did bring this on yourself. Good luck!

_Albus_.

.

_Rose of my heart_,

See, I endured your idiotic cousins. I really, truly care about you, and I wouldn't ever dream of playing you in any way, shape, or form. Now will you consider going out with me?

_Love always,_

_Scorpius._

.

_Malfoy,_

No, she will not, because you're a horrid person and you broke little Lily's heart and we're still sexier than you, forever and always.

_James and Hugo_

.

_Scorpius_,

Maybe.

But don't call me Rose of my heart, and we'll see.

_Rose_

.

_Rosie,_

Done.

_Scorpius._

_._

_Scorp,_

Don't call me that, either.

_Rose._

.

_Princess Rose_,

How about this?

_Scorpius_

.

_Scorpius_,

I like it. But what does that make you, my prince? My knight in shining armour?

_Princess Rose the Superior_

.

_Princess Rose the Superior_,

Forever and always, my darling.

Your knight in shining armour,

_The Brave Knight Scorpius_

.

_Malfoy who is not a knight_,

I don't need saving.

(Meet me in the library later tonight? Behind the bookshelves, in the _Restricted Section_?)

_Princess Rose the Superior._

.

_Rose the Princess_,

Yes, yes, you do.

(Is that meant to sound dirty? Because it does sound like it, and I mean, I don't mind at all…)

_Knave Scorpius_.

.

_Dear Malfoy the Horrible_,

Listen up, boy. You do anything with our cousin behind those bookshelves, and we'll know about it. Then we'll come for you, armed with wands and knives and everything else we can find that is sharp and pointy. And you're going to be more torn up than _Rose_ if you ever dumped her.

Chew on that one, ferret.

_The Weasley boys (and James)_

.

_Mate,_

I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't listen. I'd be very afraid if I were you.

(Have fun with Rose in the Restricted Section, by the way. ;))

_Albus_

.

_Dear general population of girls,_

I've noticed that many of you have expressed an interest in a certain boy named Malfoy. Let's get some things straight.

First, Scorpius is, unfortunately enough, taken by my lovely cousin Rose.

Second, I am very much available.

Third, Malfoy isn't sexy at all. I'm much sexier than him, and you can come snog me. I won't refuse.

You know you love me,

_James_

.

_Potter,_

First, why is it unfortunate enough that I'm _taken_? I'm mildly creeped out by that.

Second, I'm much sexier than you and you know it, which is why I have fangirls and _you don't._

Third, there are no words for the idiocy of this letter that I received for some reason.

_Cheers,_

_Scorpius_

.

_James,_

Stop flirting with my boyfriend.

By the way, we- Scorpius and I- had an _amazing_ time last night in the Restricted Section.

_Get over it,_

_Rose_

.

_Malfoy_,

That letter was addressed to the general population of girls. Is there something you want to tell me?

AND STOP GETTING OFF WITH MY COUSIN. Ugh. I really don't want to know what you're doing with her, you idiot. Ferret. Ugh.

_There are no words,_

_James_

.

_Rose,_

You want to know something? I had an amazing time last night, we should do it again. You're one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever met.

Wave your wand over it for the next line.

_(Rose, I'm sending this to James first for the laughs. He's going to kill me, though…)_

_Love, _

_Scorpius_

.

_Scorpius_,

You know, you're a jerk sometimes, you know that?

But I mean, I sort of enjoy your messing with James; he needs someone to put him in his place.

(And yes, it was amazing. Tonight?)

_Rose_

.

_Rose,_

What, no love for the Malfoy master?

_Love,_

_Scorpius_

(Yeah, tonight'd be great!)

.

_Scorpius,_

I love you.

(And looking forward to it.)

_Rose_

_._

_Rose,_

OH MY GOSH MY EYES. I CAN NEVER UNSEE THAT LETTER. You're in love with Malfoy. I'm telling your dad!

_The sexiest boy who is sexier than Malfoy_,

James

.

_James,_

I hate you. And Malfoy, who I'm snogging right now, agrees completely.

_Rose._

.

_Rose, daughter,_

We need to talk. Bring your ferret boyfriend along.

_Your father._

.

**A/N: I dunno, this really wasn't funny, but I'll write another when I have time/inspiration.**

**R&R, please, and don't fave without reviewing!**


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